Blackeye Bullies v. Band of Brawlers
The Sprockettes v. The Takeouts

The time has come to crown the next Envy Cup champion. This is the moment the Ohio Roller Girls have been building toward all season long. From the very beginning of Season 2.0 these four teams -- Band of Brawlers, Blackeyed Bullies, The Sprockettes, and The Take-Outs -- have been preparing to be the best. Now they have the chance to do it.

Game One: The race for third place kicks off the night with the Blackeye Bullies versus the Band of Brawlers. In this bout the Band of Brawlers will be looking to show they were a serious contender all season. To beat the Bullies the Brawlers will be relying on jammers Gypsy Warfare and Hurricane Jane to pull out all the stops. The big guns of their defensive core Charlie’s Angel, Pam Beastly, and Triptease are sure to bring the pain. With only one victory going into this it may seem easy to discount their chances. But, to underestimate this team of fierce competitors would be a deadly mistake. Earlier this season they laid the smack down on the Sprockettes giving them their only loss and by a whopping 39 points!

The Blackeye Bullies are poised for revenge this championship. Last season the Bullies ended up fourth after a disappointing 2 point loss in the finals. At one point this season I said the “Bullies are this year’s toughest team to beat”. With a 2 and 2 record I still stand by that comment today. Why you might ask? Andie Warhaulass, Barracuda, Hayley Vomit and Hell Camino all play the jamming position with the poise of seasoned veterans. Barracuda, Hayley Vomit, Hellvetica, and Violet Crime make the Bullies pack the last place a jammer would want to find them self. Not to mention there is no other team that can play together with the chemistry of the Bullies. Third place this season will certainly be something to be proud of!

Game Two: The championship bout tonight will be the best action of the season. The Sprockettes will be pitted against The Take-Outs (last year’s Envy Cup champions) This time around it is The Take-Outs who are the underdog. With that in mind, they will not go down without an epic fight. The highest point scoring jammers of the OHRG -- Foxy Force and Pippi Rippyourstockings -- lead the offensive charge. Another jammer to watch out for is Hellion Boi who showed up in a big way at Survival of the Fastest. The Take-Outs’ pack is sure to be solid with Alli Catraz, Chewblocka, Royal Pain, and Dixie Heartless working together.

The Sprockettes! Last season’s third place team has come a long way. There is talent bursting at the seams in their pack. Holly Hotwheels is the most effective defensive player in the league. Couple her abilities with Jackie-Oh!, Living Dead Girl, ThaDevil, and Ziggy StarBust and watch out. The other half of this talented arsenal is Drrty Girl, Handle Barz, Luna ChickEn, and Mase-a-saurus Rex. These ladies from space form a wealth of scoring potential jamming. The Sprockettes only have one loss going into this bout. They have never been more ready to blast off!

After tonight you will be begging for more of this nation’s greatest sport, Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby! Stay tuned for home games this fall featuring the Ohio Roller Girls All-Star travel team taking on other teams from the region.

--Apocalypse Mao

Presented in conjunction with: PKD Foundation

Intermission Entertainment: Earwig

Band of Brawlers 55 v. The Sprockettes 93
Blackeye Bullies 72 v. The Takeouts 95

The Season Playoffs will benefit Amethyst Incorporated, who have been providing addiction treatment services and supportive housing for homeless women and their children for over 24 years. Those fans who bring an item on their list of needs to our bout will receive 10 free raffle tickets. View the list of needed items.

It’s here -- the moment you have all been waiting and watching for! Survival of the Fastest brings us to the playoffs of OHRG season two. Not only does this mean more roller derby action, it means the action will be that much more intense -- you better be ready because tonight is rematches of two of season two’s craziest bouts!

Game One: The number one seeded Sprockettes take on the Band of Brawlers in this interesting rematch. The Brawlers are looking for a repeat of the 80 to 41 smack down they handed the Sprockettes at Carnival of Destruction. In the jamming position the Brawlers have one hell of a duo: Gypsy Warfare and Hurricane Jane have been top performers all season. On defense the Brawlers aren’t weak either. Triptease and Pam Beastly know how to take out a few skaters. The Brawlers could quite possibly pull of the biggest upset of the season tonight!

The Sprockettes are not shy on anything this season! Drrrty Grrl, Luna Chicken, and Handle Barz can jam like nobody’s business. If you paid close attention to the Sprockettes you’d know there pack is where it’s at. By a huge margin they lead the OHRG defensively. They lead the league in jammer assists, jammer takeouts, and blocker takeouts. How’s this possible? I’ll give you three reasons: Holly Hotwheels, Jackie-Oh!, and Tha Devil. With this much talent on these two teams this match up is going to knock your skates or socks off!

Game Two: The second bout of the night sees a rematch of the highest scoring bout this season: the Blackeye Bullies vs The Take-Outs. The Bullies are this year’s toughest team to beat. They have only lost one game -- and that one was close. This team is packed to the gills with talent. Just ask Barracuda, the team captain and one of my favorite players to watch! She leads her team with 87 points as a jammer and has put up some great defensive numbers. If any team thinks they are going to just barrel through the Bullies pack guess again! Hellvetica and Violet Crime can make any pack a nightmare for the opposing team.

Now that’s not to say they are going to walk away with this one. The Bullies have to beat the Take-Outs again and prove lightning can strike twice. The Take-Outs are lead by the two highest scoring jammers in the OHRG, Pippi Ripyourstockings and Foxy Force, 95 and 106. Defensively the season stats show the Bullies with a bit of an edge. You may want to keep your eyes on Alli Catraz and Chewblocka before you call it an edge. These two super pack ninjas can assist jammers and knock opposing players down like, well, ninjas! This match up is going to be so intense you better not take your eyes off of it for even a second!

Tonight its anyone’s game and only the fastest will survive! Watch and see who will end up playing the Envy Cup Championship on September 15.

--Apocalypse Mao

Xanadu or Die was full of incredible roller derby action. The Blackeye Bullies overtook the Band of Brawlers in an evenly matched shootout, 79-69. Then, surprisingly, the Sprockettes defeated The Take-Outs in another point-for-point; blow-for-blow style match-up, 79-71.

The Brawlers’ jammers Gypsy Warfare and Sid Vixxxen had impressive performances against the rough and tumble Bullies’ defense, with 22 and 28 points respectively. Killa Fitzgerald and Triptease led the Brawlers with an onslaught of jammer assists combining for 13 on the night. In the end, their valiant efforts were not enough to stop Barracuda (31 points) and the tight pack of the Bullies. The Bullies’ pack showed tremendous skill knocking down opposing jammers and blockers like no one’s business. Hellvetica and Heidi Ho were an unstoppable duo defensively for the Bullies.

The Take-Outs leading jammers Pippi Ripyourstockings and Foxy Force turned out yet again an impressive performance combining for 59 of the Take-Outs final 71 points. Their defense combined for 25 jammer assists. Chewblocka and Dixie Heartless were making it easy for the Take-outs jammers to get through the pack. However, The Sprockettes’ Drrrty Grrl and Luna Chicken went through the Take-Outs defense like lasers through space butter. Drrrty Grrl had the highest point total of the night with 33. Holly Hotwheels put up historical numbers defensively with 8 jammer assists, 2 jammer takeouts, a blocker takeout, and 3 successful body blocks. Add to that solid performances from Living Dead Girl, ThaDevil, and Ziggy StarBUST in the pack and you can see why the Sprockettes put another in the win column.

The Envy Cup Tourney is coming, and the playoffs are right around the corner. The Sprockettes have the top seed but have to face the one team that beat them in the first round, the Band of Brawlers. The Bullies are the number two seed and will a rematch against The Take-Outs, which was the highest scoring bout of the season. On July 7, the Lausche Building will be over flowing with excitement for Survival of the Fastest.

--Apocalypse Mao

Carnival of Destruction saw OHRG history made. The Take-Outs finally suffered their first loss at the hand of the Blackeye Bullies, 108 - 93. The first bout of the night was also an action packed rumble as Band of Brawlers came back in full force against the Sprockettes with an 80 - 41 victory.

The Brawlers’ jamming core had 4 players scoring double-digits for the night. The most impressive performance came from Gypsy Warfare with 30 points averaging 5 points per jam. Hurricaine Jane, Sid Vixxxen, and Killa Fitzgerald had 22, 17, and 11 points for the night respectively. Elise Brutality and Pam Beastly led the defense in jammer assists with a couple a piece. For the Sprockettes, Drrrty Grrl did an excellent job jamming with 28 points for the night. Handle Barz -- a rookie-- put up her second double-digit performance in a row with 11. Two seasoned veterans lead the Sprockettes D: Holly Hotwheels with an amazing 6 assists and 5 takeouts followed by ThaDevil with 4 and 1. The Sprockettes played some amazing defense but in the end it was just not enough for an unstoppable jammer assault from the Brawlers.

The Blackeye Bullies jammers came in and lit up the night with points. Every jammer had a double-digit night: Barracuda, 45, Andie Warhaulass, 29, Hayley Vomit, 23, Hell Camino, 11. ‘Cuda and Andie also averaged almost 6 points per jam! Camino and ‘Cuda also put up defensive stats in the assists and jammer/blocker takeout categories. Violet Crime and Heidi Ho paired up for total of 5 jammer takeouts on the night to lead the Bullies’ pack. Foxy Force and Pippi Ripyourstockings showed up big time for the Take-Outs with 57 and 36 point performances respectively. On defense, rookie Harley Ryder topped the Take-Outs stats with a pair of assists and a blocker takeout. Both teams played an incredible game: fast paced, high-scoring, and plenty of tough hits. In the end the Bullies--in the most amazing display of teamwork I have ever seen--proved too much for the Take-Outs.

Now every team in the OHRG is 1-1! That alone makes the next bout, Xanadu or Die, the most important of the season. The two winners in this upcoming contest will get the preferable seeds in the first round of the race for the OHRG Envy Cup 2007. It is bound to be exciting with each team on a level playing field. Be there June 9 for all the action a derby fan could dream of!

--Apocalypse Mao